On top of the world

January 2011. My partner and I had recently had our civil partnership ceremony and the most amazing wedding day, I had just been promoted to a new and exciting job and the best bit was, we had reached the top of the list for donor insemination at the local hospital’s assisted conception unit. My dream was so close! All I ever wanted was to be a mum. I daydreamed about finding out I was pregnant and had a plan to wait to tell my family once I’d had my first scan. Then I would post scan pictures to them all with a little card saying hi from the baby! It was just the most amazing sense of anticipation and I was so positive it would work. I had the first treatment in mid January and delighted in every moment of symptom spotting, convinced I could tell that the magic had indeed worked. It was not to be. I got over the disappointment quickly as I knew I still had 5 attempts left before I would have to consider IVF. The second treatment happened in February and I was off on the roller coaster again! I joined an online forum called baby and bump and happily discussed my unusual tiredness, pains in my stomach and various other convincing signs.

 
One day while I was at work I was standing on the doorstep of the office and there was light rain coming down. The sun was also shining and for a second or two, something happened. I saw the rain fragment, it was like the world quivered. It wasn’t like anything I’d seen before. It was over quickly and I didn’t dwell too much on what had happened.

Around the second week of March things started to get stranger. I had been feeling generally tired and unwell so I finally decided to make an appointment with the doctor, the appointment was for Friday that week. On Monday I went to work and found myself in a panic. I just couldn’t understand things I was reading for my new promoted job. I was trying to get up to speed with things I needed to know but it just didn’t make sense. I knew this wasn’t right, I knew these were things I would normally have no issue with. I tried to force them into a logical order, writing lists and plans, but it wasn’t working. I was scared and worried.

I got home that evening and I remember saying to my partner ‘Nova,I need to speak to you, something’s wrong, I’m really confused’. It was hard to explain what I felt, confused was the best I could manage, but it felt like something was going wrong in my brain. How could I have known, on this first day, march 13th, what lay ahead.

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One thought on “On top of the world

  1. Darling Sophie,
    Thank you for sharing your thoughts, feelings and memories with the world – your words will no doubt be of some solace or comfort for someone else experiencing this, knowing they’re not alone.
    I’m crying as I read your words as I know how awful this has been for you all and I think of the pain you have all endured, often. I am so sorry that just as you thought you would have your dream of being a mum, that your world came crashing down around you. .it may not be the same and may not be of comfort to you but I do see you as being a wonderful mum to K & M. You have so much love, passion, creativity, and understanding to share with them, to inspire them, for them to rely on this wonderful, strong lady with fire in her belly – lucky to have her in their lives!
    I have been very sad for you – for what you went through and what you lost but I have also been very amazed by your will , your strength , your energy, your fight and your crazy Zumba moves and I just think you have been bloody marvellous!

    I couldn’t come in to see you in hospital because you were so sick and Novy had said things were so bad and I was very scared and felt helpless as I wanted to do something for you all. I saw you one day on the concourse – I think as you were starting to improve slightly – but you looked like a little girl, that was so scared….and I wanted to do something but I couldn’t …I lit a candle for you often and hoped with all my heart that you would get better ❤ (it worked!)

    I hope that this will be a healing journey for you and most of all, I just hope that you are happy and can find some peace after this.

    Love you to bits!! xxxxxx

    Liked by 1 person

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